Over the last seven months I've been kept pretty busy. Every single day was a learning experience, and quite honestly, many days I felt like I was behind the eight ball. There was just so much to learn about being a mom. I needed to get a groove, and Joshua and I had to get used to eachother. It took a lot of effort, and there were many days that I cried, felt like crying, or just felt altogether inadequate. However, seven months (!) later, we seem to finally be getting into a groove. We actually might have something that I would roughly consider a "schedule" and there are finally norms! Don't get me wrong... life with a baby is always less than predicatable, but lately it's feeling... well, NORMAL. And folks, normal (and I use that term loosely) is new. Things haven't been "normal" since February 2008... the last month I wasn't "with child."
In the last few weeks this "normal" feeling has been very discontenting to me. To be honest, one of the main reasons why it was is because I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly HOW I was feeling. I only very recently figured out what I expressed above. We've had a LOT of rain recently (almost 4 straight weeks to be exact!) so I've had a LOT of time to think, and during that time I began to become frustrated because when I think about my "next step" it's usually something like doing laundry, cleaning up after the baby or buying diapers... nothing much beyond that and that's not the way the rest of my life has gone. I've never really allowed myself to live in the short term. There was always something exciting looming on the horizon. After high school there was college. After college there was living on my own and establishing a career. Then grad school, then being determined to put myself out there in order to find the man God had for me. After marriage there was grad school completion and buying a house. Then, after two years of living in the reality that we were actively trying to have a baby, I got pregnant. There's always been a next move.
Recently, there's been events to look forward to (our trip to VA, my sister's wedding shower that I'm planning for this weekend, her wedding in September) but there really isn't this milestone or fully attainable goal that is on my plate. Joshua has had plenty of milestones and his milestones were beginning to become my milestones, which was not okay with me. I want to live through and celebrate his milestones, but I know that in order to keep my identity, I need my own milestones. Sure, one of my huge goals is to raise Joshua to be a strong, respectful, truthful, and loving man of God, but that's not something that's going to be fully achieved by say, June 2010. It's a process, something to work toward on a daily basis for most of the rest of my life. We're DEFINTELY not ready to add to our family, it's going to be a while before we can afford to move from our townhouse into a single family home, and I'm not sure that I desire to return to school or work just yet. So, right now is learning to live and stay content in the "in between" times. (Your suggestions on how to do this are very welcome... leave me a comment!) Each day that I get to see Joshua grow and learn and each day that I get to love him is a gift. I need to teach myself not to miss the daily life I'm living because I'm waiting for the next big thing. I guess I'm learning that every portion of life doesn't have to be a marathon with a prize at the end. It's more like a jog. It can be enjoyable, steady, and a day to day delight.
It's a new way of living. It's a new way of looking at life. Welcome to motherhood. Welcome to your 30s.