Staying Content during the "In Between" Times

Over the last seven months I've been kept pretty busy. Every single day was a learning experience, and quite honestly, many days I felt like I was behind the eight ball. There was just so much to learn about being a mom. I needed to get a groove, and Joshua and I had to get used to eachother. It took a lot of effort, and there were many days that I cried, felt like crying, or just felt altogether inadequate. However, seven months (!) later, we seem to finally be getting into a groove. We actually might have something that I would roughly consider a "schedule" and there are finally norms! Don't get me wrong... life with a baby is always less than predicatable, but lately it's feeling... well, NORMAL. And folks, normal (and I use that term loosely) is new. Things haven't been "normal" since February 2008... the last month I wasn't "with child."

In the last few weeks this "normal" feeling has been very discontenting to me. To be honest, one of the main reasons why it was is because I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly HOW I was feeling. I only very recently figured out what I expressed above. We've had a LOT of rain recently (almost 4 straight weeks to be exact!) so I've had a LOT of time to think, and during that time I began to become frustrated because when I think about my "next step" it's usually something like doing laundry, cleaning up after the baby or buying diapers... nothing much beyond that and that's not the way the rest of my life has gone. I've never really allowed myself to live in the short term. There was always something exciting looming on the horizon. After high school there was college. After college there was living on my own and establishing a career. Then grad school, then being determined to put myself out there in order to find the man God had for me. After marriage there was grad school completion and buying a house. Then, after two years of living in the reality that we were actively trying to have a baby, I got pregnant. There's always been a next move.

Recently, there's been events to look forward to (our trip to VA, my sister's wedding shower that I'm planning for this weekend, her wedding in September) but there really isn't this milestone or fully attainable goal that is on my plate. Joshua has had plenty of milestones and his milestones were beginning to become my milestones, which was not okay with me. I want to live through and celebrate his milestones, but I know that in order to keep my identity, I need my own milestones. Sure, one of my huge goals is to raise Joshua to be a strong, respectful, truthful, and loving man of God, but that's not something that's going to be fully achieved by say, June 2010. It's a process, something to work toward on a daily basis for most of the rest of my life. We're DEFINTELY not ready to add to our family, it's going to be a while before we can afford to move from our townhouse into a single family home, and I'm not sure that I desire to return to school or work just yet. So, right now is learning to live and stay content in the "in between" times. (Your suggestions on how to do this are very welcome... leave me a comment!) Each day that I get to see Joshua grow and learn and each day that I get to love him is a gift. I need to teach myself not to miss the daily life I'm living because I'm waiting for the next big thing. I guess I'm learning that every portion of life doesn't have to be a marathon with a prize at the end. It's more like a jog. It can be enjoyable, steady, and a day to day delight.

It's a new way of living. It's a new way of looking at life. Welcome to motherhood. Welcome to your 30s.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!!

Here are some things that I’ve been thinking about lately. Going into mommyhood I felt like I knew a lot about what to expect. However, there have undoubtedly been some surprises along the way. Here’s a few….

I never realized…

• I would not only wipe noses, but pick others noses too
• How much of a lifesaver infant Tylenol would be
• How much more I would love and admire my husband as I watched him be a daddy
• How many physical complications one can have postpartum
  
• How important it would be to have friends with kids the same age
  
• That my ability to trust my pediatrician would directly contribute to my ability to sleep on a frequent basis
  
• I would begin to appreciate grocery shopping alone, just because it’s time to think straight (before the baby I despised grocery shopping alone!)
  
• How much swings, pack n plays and exersaucers ROCK! Can you say shower, people?!
  
• How complicated picking out a carseat would be
  
• How much awe and respect I would have for parents of twins, triplets, etc … I don’t know how they do it, I have a hard enough time hauling one kiddo around.
  
• How many court shows there are on daytime tv
  
• That the right fit and brand of diaper can completely change your life
  
• That facebook can help to prevent major feelings of isolation and maybe even stave off some post partum depression
  
• Hearing his little sigh when he's sleeping would warm my heart so much
  
• How all day long he would be able to communicate with me without using words!
  
• Getting him on a consistent nap schedule could completely change my life (we’re still working on this one!)

There are many more to list, but that’s enough for now. Are there ones that you identify with? What are some things that you never realized?

I can hardly believe my boy is now six months old. SIX MONTHS! That's six months of diapers, strange sleep patterns, bottles, and huge changes in my life. But it's also six months of smiles, giggles, bonding, growing and loving unlike I ever have before. Truly, I am a different person than I was six months ago.

The past few months have come with some major changes, some of them being struggles and some of them being welcome differences. I am now a mom and no matter how old he is, or where he is I will always be his mom. Weird, cool, and unbelievable. I've always wanted to be a mom, but I never knew how it would feel. Quite honestly, I still don't know that I could define how it feels. Everyday is different. Yesterday it was run down, like a perpetual smelly burb cloth, and totally done. Today, it's proud, snuggly, and happy. One of the major lessons that I have learned is that every day, every hour, every minute needs to be take step by step. I can plan a day that has many different things in it (not too many, I'm not crazy!) but ultimately, everything depends on him. Which is ironic because while all that I do depends on him, he depends on me for everything! You can't plan around a baby. Naptime is never the same time (in fact many days he skips it altogether!) and teething doesn't happen on my schedule. This has taught me a lot about life and the way I view it. I have walked around for years trying my best to control things... but this is not a good way to go through life. More and more I'm trusting God and others for my day to day and minute to minute activities. There's nothing like a baby to bring you to your knees.

He's so cute and innocent looking, you wouldn't know he's a poop machine!

Up to my eyeballs

Life is unpredictable. Life with a baby is INSANELY unpredictable. I've always been an on-time, on-schedule person, that is until I got pregnant. I quickly learned through my pregnancy that I would never ever again be able to be quite the way I was before children. Pregnancy was kind of funny like that. You'd think that it wouldn't make a huge difference. You're not toting a diaper bag, car seat, and all the other millions of things that a baby requires. However, that doesn't mean that you're not toting the baby. And, as the baby gets bigger your shoes get farther away, which means that though you've planned 10 seconds to get your shoes and socks on, clearly this will take you much longer. These types of things happen all throughout the day. A few seconds here, a few seconds there, coupled with all the extra bathroom runs, and it all adds up!

Now that the baby is here, I'm finding that even though I can now get my shoes on in 5 seconds (note that's 1/2 the time needed in pre-pregnancy... you must hurry up woman!) it takes infinitely longer to get out the door with a baby than one might think, which in a roundabout way leads me to today's story.

I think it's a fun thing to take the baby into my husband's work so he can show him off once and a while. Today we were going to make the venture, but ultimately we wound up staying home. Here's why:

After several nights of Bubba reverting back to his newborn sleeping schedule which means that he got up twice each night (it was KILLING US TO GO BACK TO THIS!) last night he finally did his "usual" (and I use that term lightly, folks) sleeping schedule (Bed at 8PM, up at about 3 or 4 AM for a feed and change, and up about 8 AM for the day). However, when I went into his room I found something much different than usual.

My lovely child had pooped his pants unlike any other time before. It was all over his back and went through his T shirt, pjs, sleep sack, bed sheet and on to the mattress pad! YUCK!! Good thing I had a pair of scissors on hand, they were completely necessary to remove the T shirt! After cleaning off all you can with wipes it was time for an unscheduled and unanticipated bath!

I got all the bath stuff together, lugged him downstairs and bathed him while he arched his back and bucked and splashed me. (Note: at this point I now have had poop and dirty bath water on me and it's only 9 AM)

We dressed him in a super cute outfit (remember, we're still planning on going to see Daddy at work at this point) and I then fed him and then, he threw up all over my arm. No big deal, these things happen all the time.

After the bottle I toted my little guy, dressed super cute upstairs and placed him in the bouncer while I took a shower in record time. Then I dressed and picked him up to bring him downstairs. It was at that time it became clear to me that our trip to see Daddy was in great jeopardy. You see, there was a particular smell. Upon undressing my little lad I was greeted with another blowout which necessitated a complete outfit change.

That was it. I was done. At that point I only had enough time to get to Daddy's work before he wasn't available to see us, and with this blowout we would be late. again.

Does anyone have a white flag I can wave? Wait, I'll use another soiled onesie.

"Hey Guys... mom says I'm a lot of work, but totally worth it."

Balance

Now that I'm a mom, I rarely get to leave the house without bringing a lot of "stuff." On my right arm I load up the Vera Bradley diaper bag and my matching purse (only this momma would need to have the patterns match!)and on my left arm I am found lugging the baby car seat (which weighs 7.24 lbs without Bubba in it) containing a 14 lb baby. This is cautiously and artfully done while donning the all of the snow gear that I need, and needless to say, the short trip to the car is quite the ordeal. Not to mention that the ice outside our door is unbelievable! I often feel like there are hidden cameras watching me leave the house, to see me making the mad dash to the car that actually amounts to me creeping slowly across the ice so as not to fall on my rear end (again!) and drop the baby (the time I fell Joshua was safely secured in his seat and still in the car, but that's another story for another time and it involves a mall cop).

The months leading up to the baby's birth I would often tell myself "savor this now, in a few months you won't be able to run into the mall without getting a carriage out, making sure it's not feeding time, yada yada yada" and I knew that I needed to appreciate the fact that in doing errands it was sweet that the only person I had to worry about was me.

Side Note: It's good that's all I was worried about, because being preggers I had to go to the restroom so much just worrying about walking around and where the closest bathroom was at all times took up a lot of brain space!

Today was like many days, it's still winter and I decided that I needed to get out so a trip to the mall was the remedy that was warranted. Except, today was different than usual. I actually had quite a few things that I needed to purchase. That said, you other mommies will understand how imperative a plan of attack would be. I needed to PARK outside Target because that's where I would buy the most things, but needed things throughout the mall so I started at the other end then worked my way down. At the end of our trip I was quite a sight. There I was with the car seat in the snap and go, the diaper bag, my purse and bags from multiple stores. Even with bags hanging off the stroller I don't think I had more than one finger free, and I had to use that finger to disengage the car alarm! Thank God they didn't have the diapers I needed, I probably would have made a fool of myself trying to bring those back too!

So, needless to say, when I get to leave the house without a baby and all the supplies that a baby requires it's a treat.

However, through it all, I wouldn't trade this for the world. My little guy was so good being my shopping buddy and was awake almost the whole time but loved being in the carriage. Sometimes I go out at night or on the weekend and my hubby gives me a break and I'm without Bubba. I love those times, but every time I go out without him the backseat feels empty. Before three months ago the backseat was merely used for extra space, but now it's where someone belongs. When I'm without him I often instinctively glance over my right shoulder to check on him or look up into the rear view mirror to catch a peek and he's not there... and I'm sad. Sometimes I even swear that the balance of the car is significantly different (but honestly it probably has something to do with not having had a diaper bag on my right shoulder when I got ready to go).

Life will never be the same as it was before the baby, and with a baby EVERY day is different. What a blessing. What a balancing act. (Circus music trailing off in the background...)

"Hi, my name is Audrey, my mom talks to me a lot. Around here they call me 'the General' I like to make sure everyone's doing a good job taking care of the baby. They do it for me, you know, 'cause I can't, I don't have thumbs."

This is my precious boy at only 5 days old. This was taken at my mom's house when we were refugees due to a huge ice storm that knocked out power to almost all of NH and parts of MA.

Thankful? But I'm Nauseous AGAIN!

Being pregnant is something that I've longed for, and it's been for a while now. However, I think that I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never be one of those women who loves pregnancy. So many women have said that they love how they feel while they're pregnant, that the feel so beautiful and sexy, their hair and nails have never been stronger and prettier and that the thought that there is life in their body makes them feel elated.

This has not been my experience.

I have been sick. I have been nauseous, and I am still nauseous. I have been uncomfortable. I have been tired. I have been HUNGRY! And now I can't sleep because every time I fall asleep I have to go to the bathroom AGAIN.

Am I thankful? No, not all the time. Should I be? Absolutely... and all the time.

Philippians 4:4-6 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Keeping an eternal perspective when I'm in week 19 of a pregnancy that has been plagued with challenges, including nausea that goes away long enough for me to have hope that it's gone, then comes back with a VENGEANCE, has been one of the most challenging things that I've ever had to do, and I'm the first one to admit that I'm not doing well with this.God has blessed me with a life that we prayed to receive for 2 years. I am thankful that the Lord has trusted me to take on the role of being someone's mother. What a huge responsibility, and honor, and what a huge challenge.

Pregnancy is preparing me to be a mom. The sleepless nights because I'm up every hour to go to the bathroom is annoying, but if that's all I have to worry about right now, I need to be thankful. Pregnancy is teaching me that giving new life does not come without pain and sacrifice.I'm thankful that Christ was willing to take on the challenges put in front of Him, to deal with pain and sacrifice to give me NEW life. What a blessing. For this I CAN be thankful.

Gestating

Being pregnant is like being in some sort of other alternate universe sometimes. Last night, I was doing just great and then all of a sudden I thought I was going to spend the rest of the night on the bathroom floor. People ask me all the time "how are you feeling?" and I honestly hesitate to tell them that I'm feeling good, because I know that at ANY minute at the blink of an eye I could be feeling HORRIBLE. Not that I'm not thankful, we've waited for this baby for a long time and tried for a long time to get pregnant. It's just that I was kind of under this impression that I would get pregnant and then have 9 months to "get ready." Boy oh boy, (or girl for that matter) was I wrong!

Immediately after I found out I was pregnant all my weird symptoms began to add up to something that made sense and rather than having 9 months of blissful waiting (as I naively thought one has), I've been given 9 months of active preparing and coping. It's funny, I never even thought of the impact that the baby would have on me, my health, my emotions, and my day to day life before I could physically hold it in my hands, but the reality of the situation is that this baby inside of me is impacting almost everything I do... and it's not just because I go to the restroom like 1,000 times a day, that I'm insatiably hungry, or that I can go from fine to incredibly nauseous in 2.2 seconds!

Pregnancy is an interesting time. God uses it to get us ready for what is ahead, and to show us things that we need to learn while there's still a little bit of quiet around. It has taught my husband how to care for me, and give me more grace...these days I need a LOT of it. It has taught us how to communicate better, it has taught me to be patient and trust God, for He is the one weaving the life in me. My sister calls everyday and says "what are you doing" and I've begun to give the answer "gestating" I'm being emotionally formed into the mother that God wants me to be for this child, and while I am carrying this baby, He is the one who is growing it, creating it, and giving it the very fabric that it will carry in its body. Isn't it a miracle?

Welcome to While He Was Sleeping

I've always wanted to start a blog, and a few months ago I did. However, it wasn't really going anywhere. I was overwhelmed with being pregnant, and really didn't seem to have enough time to even begin to put things into writing. Mostly, I spent 10 months yearning for sleep and praying that I would be healed from whatever ailment was plaguing me that day. So, now that my little guy, Bubba, as we affectionately call him has been born and is adjusting to life, I am excited to be able to launch a new blog, one that I will try to keep more current, particularly during naptime. Hence, the name "While He Was Sleeping..." and the url www. pleasetakeanap.blogspot.com

Bubba is not a very good napper. Well, either that or I'm just not very good at getting him to nap. Either way, most days I wind up asking him, "Honey, please take a nap?!" Of course, he's only a newborn and has no idea what I'm saying. However, that doesn't stop me from talking to him about it and then promptly discussing it with the dog when he doesn't comply. Poor doggie, she hears me complain about stuff all the time. Good thing she gets lots of cookies, and thank God for the dog, it evens out the numbers around here. Two boys, two girls, the dog keeps me sane. Ok, enough about the dog... though she is cute and loves this baby.

So, my hope for this blog is that I'll be able to write about some things that you can relate to, and that I need to get off my chest. I hope that I'll be able to chronicle victories and milestones, and of course post some pictures of my little bubba (and of course, the dog who we now refer to as "the general" as she seems to supervise all interactions with the baby).

I'm going to post some of the old stuff about the pregnancy that I already wrote, but of course that is well over now and while I love the product, I'm not a very good pregnant lady... it was definitely a challenge for me.

Happy reading! I'd love your comments, and feel free to pass this along to anyone who you think might be interested. I'm taking the plunge and going public.